Présidence Obama: La guerre, oui, mais une panzani (War? What war?)

Des pâtes, oui, mais des Panzani!La guerre, oui, mais une panzani. D’après un slogan connu

Après des semaines de mûres réflexions concernant la situation de guerre particulièrement empoisonnante dont il a hérité, Obama annonce une décision – largement perçue comme un compromis – selon laquelle il enverra 30.000 hommes supplémentaires en Afghanistan, mais leur mission sera baptisée Opération Gentil Papillon. Dave Barry

La « guerre » mais pas tout à fait celle de George Bush. Pour la deuxième fois en quarante-huit heures, le président américain Barack Obama s’est exprimé, jeudi 7 janvier, au cours d’une conférence de presse sur le terrorisme et les « défaillances » des services de renseignement. (…) Soigneusement, Barack Obama a détaché ses mots. « Nous sommes en guerre. » L’expression était destinée à tous ceux, républicains en tête, qui lui reprochent de sous-estimer la menace terroriste. Aussitôt après, il a nuancé : « Nous sommes en guerre contre Al-Qaida, un réseau extensif de violence et de haine », une manière de se démarquer de son prédécesseur George Bush et de son concept attrape-tout de « guerre contre le terrorisme » (war on terror). Le Monde

La logique est perverse. Si nous trouvons Abdulmutallab dans un camp d’entrainement au Yémen, où il se prépare tout simplement pour une attaque terroriste, nous l’éliminons avec un missile – pas de juge, pas de jury, pas d’états d’âme. Mais si nous l’attrapons aux USA au cœur même d’un meurtre de masse, il acquiert instantanément une protection non seulement contre une exécution par un drone, mais même contre un interrogatoire. (…) Un homme qui tire sur des médecins pratiquant l’avortement est un extrémiste. Un fanatique écolo qui met le feu à des lieux d’abattage d’arbres est un extrémiste. Abdulmutallab n’est pas de ceux-là. C’est un jihadiste. Au contraire de ceux qui tirent sur des médecins pratiquant l’avortement, les jihadistes ont des cellules à travers le monde entier ; ils font exploser des trains à Londres, des night-clubs à Bali et des avions au-dessus de Detroit (s’ils le peuvent) ; et ils promettent ouvertement de faire la guerre à l’Amérique. Charles Krauthammer

Don Obama nous referait-il le coup des pâtes Panzani?

Attentats présentés comme « désastres provoqués par l’homme », Guantanamo qualifié « d’outil de recrutement pour Al Qaeda », investigateurs de la CIA confrontés à un procureur spécial, procès civil pour le cerveau des attentats du 11/9, auteur de l’attentat raté de Noël désigné comme « extrémiste isolé » et « suspect » qui « aurait essayé d’allumer un instrument explosif », mise en garde de « ne pas tirer de conclusions hâtives” de l’attentat de Fort Hood, terroristes notoires systématiquement dénommés « extrémistes » …

Alors où, après avoir repris – contre toutes ses promesses – l’essentiel des mesures Bush contre le terrorisme, le premier président américain après George Bush s’est finalement résigné à utiliser (“make no mistake about it”) le mot de « guerre »

Pendant qu’à Detroit, le terroriste au caleçon (pardon: « mis en examen ») plaide non coupable d’avoir transporté sur lui une ADM susceptible de tuer près de 300 personnes …

Et qu’en France notre Kouchner national promet d’inviter sur le territoire national autant d’Afghans que son collègue de l’Immigration en expulsera …

Retour, avec l’éditorialiste du Washington post Charles Krauthammer, sur le premier président américain à la guerre panzani

Une guerre terroriste niée par Obama
Charles Krauthammer
The Washington post
Adaptation française de Sentinelle
vendredi 1er janvier 2010

Janet Napolitano – ancienne gouverneur de l’Arizona, désormais secrétaire surclassée à la sécurité nationale – dont on se souviendra toujours d’elle pour avoir déclaré au sujet de la tentative d’abattre un avion de ligne sur Detroit : « Le système a fonctionné ». Le père soucieux de l’agresseur avait prévenu les autorités des USA des tendances jihadistes de son fils.

Le futur auteur de l’attentat à la bombe avait payé son billet en liquide et enregistré sans bagages sur un vol transocéanique. Il fut cependant autorisé à voyager, et aurait tué 288 passagers en l’air seulement, faute d’un détonateur défectueux et grâce aux réactions rapides de quelques passagers.

Qu’est-ce que c’est que ce boulot, Jeannette ?

La raison pour laquelle le pays est mal à l’aise pour la réponse du gouvernement Obama à cette attaque, c’est une perception distincte non pas seulement d’incompétence, mais d’incompréhension. Depuis le début même de l’affaire, le président Obama a sans cesse essayé de minimiser et de nier la nature de la menace terroriste à laquelle nous sommes toujours confrontés. Napolitano rebaptise le terrorisme « désastres provoqués par l’homme » ; Obama va à l’étranger et promet de nettoyer l’Amérique de ses pêchés contre-terroristes de l’après 11 septembre. Donc Guantanamo fermera, les investigateurs de la CIA seront confrontés à un procureur spécial, et Khalid Sheik Mohammed se prélassera dans un procès civil à New York – une triplette de politiquement correct et de traitement par l’image.

Et juste pour être sûr que le plus bouché comprendra bien, Obama bannit le terme de « guerre au terrorisme ». C’est terminé – c’est tout, si cela a jamais existé.

Obama peut bien avoir déclaré la fin de la guerre. Malheureusement, al Qaïda ne l’a pas fait. Ce qui confère une nouvelle signification au terme de « guerre asymétrique ».

Et provoque des bizarreries linguistiques – et logiques – qui ont parsemé les déclarations publiques d’Obama après l’attaque du jour de Noël. Dans sa première déclaration, Obama a qualifié Omar Farouk Abdulmutallab « d’extrémiste isolé ». C’est le même président qui, après la fusillade de Fort Hood au Texas nous a mis en garde « de ne pas sauter aux conclusions » – message codé pour oser y associer le meurtre de masse avec l’idéologie islamiste de Nidal Hassan. Pourtant, avec Abdulmutallab, Obama sauta immédiatement à la conclusion, contre toute preuve évidente, que le futur terroriste la bombe avait agi seul.

Encore plus discordantes, les références d’Obama au terroriste comme « suspect » qui « aurait essayé d’allumer un instrument explosif ». Vous pouvez entendre l’écho de Franklin D. Roosevelt : « Hier, le 17 décembre 1941 – date qui sera inscrite dans l’infamie – on suspecte des forces navales et aériennes japonaises d’avoir bombardé Pearl Harbour ».

Obama a rassuré la nation : ce « suspect » avait été mis en examen. Réassurance ? Le président devrait dire : « Nous avons capturé un combattant ennemi – un combattant illégal suivant les lois de la guerre : pas d’uniforme, attaque directe contre des civils – et maintenant pour empêcher des attaques futures, il est interrogé sur les informations qu’il peut détenir au sujet d’al Qaïda au Yémen.

Au lieu de cela, Abdulmutallab est expédié dans quelque prison des environs de Detroit et immédiatement pris en charge par un avocat. A ce stade – surprise – il cesse de parler.

Cette absurdité rend vaine la déclaration d’Obama : « Nous ne prendrons aucun repos jusqu’à ce que nous retrouvions tous ceux qui étaient impliqués ». Depuis que nous avons donné à Abdulmutallab le droit de garder le silence, nous avons renoncé gratuitement à notre droit de tirer de lui précisément qui d’autre était impliqué, à savoir qui l’a formé, l’a instruit, armé et envoyé.

Tout cela est parfaitement dingue même selon les termes d’Obama. Il envoie 30.000 soldats pour combattre le terrorisme outre-mer, pourtant quand des terroristes viennent nous attaquer ici, ils sont transformés par magie d’ennemis en prévenus.

La logique est perverse. Si nous trouvons Abdulmutallab dans un camp de formation au Yémen, où il se prépare tout simplement pour une attaque terroriste, nous l’éliminons avec un attaquant – pas de juge, pas de jury, pas de troubles. Mais si nous l’attrapons aux USA au cœur même d’un meurtre de masse, il acquiert instantanément une protection non seulement contre une exécution par un drone, mais même contre un interrogatoire.

Le président a dit que cet incident souligne « la nature de ceux qui menacent notre patrie ». Mais le président nie constamment la nature de ceux qui menacent notre patrie. Mardi, il a qualifié cinq fois Abdulmutallab (et ses semblables terroristes) « d’extrémistes ».

Un homme qui tire sur des médecins pratiquant l’avortement est un extrémiste. Un fanatique écolo qui met le feu à des lieux d’abattage des arbres est un extrémiste. Abdulmutallab n’est pas de ceux-là. C’est un jihadiste. Au contraire de ceux qui tirent sur des médecins pratiquant l’avortement, les jihadistes ont des cellules à travers le monde entier ; ils font exploser des trains à Londres, des night-clubs à Bali et des avions au-dessus de Detroit (s’ils le peuvent) ; et ils promettent ouvertement de faire la guerre à l’Amérique.

Tout gouvernement peut, par laxisme, laisser échapper quelqu’un à travers les filets. Mais un gouvernement qui refuse d’admettre que nous sommes en guerre, en effet, en refusant même de nommer l’ennemi – jihadiste est un mot banni du lexique d’Obama – transforme le laxisme en une philosophie de gouvernement.

Voir aussi:

M. Obama : les Etats-Unis sont « en guerre » contre Al-Qaida

Corine Lesnes
Le Monde
08.01.10

La « guerre » mais pas tout à fait celle de George Bush. Pour la deuxième fois en quarante-huit heures, le président américain Barack Obama s’est exprimé, jeudi 7 janvier, au cours d’une conférence de presse sur le terrorisme et les « défaillances » des services de renseignement. Ces services qui, huit ans après les attentats du 11-Septembre aux Etats-Unis, n’ont pas réussi à empêcher le jeune Nigérian Farouk Abdulmutallab de monter à bord d’un avion de ligne avec des explosifs, alors que son propre père avait alerté les officiels américains de sa dérive extrémiste.

Soigneusement, Barack Obama a détaché ses mots. « Nous sommes en guerre. » L’expression était destinée à tous ceux, républicains en tête, qui lui reprochent de sous-estimer la menace terroriste. Aussitôt après, il a nuancé : « Nous sommes en guerre contre Al-Qaida, un réseau extensif de violence et de haine », une manière de se démarquer de son prédécesseur George Bush et de son concept attrape-tout de « guerre contre le terrorisme » (war on terror).

Enfin, M. Obama n’a blâmé personne pour les défaillances des services de sécurité, sinon lui-même – »quand le système échoue, je suis responsable », a-t-il dit

« NOUS NE SUCCOMBERONS PAS À UNE MENTALITÉ D’ASSIÉGÉS »

Le président américain a confirmé le renforcement des contrôles mais il a aussi tenté de rassurer ceux qui s’inquiètent d’une dérive sécuritaire. « Nous allons renforcer nos défenses mais nous ne succomberons pas à une mentalité d’assiégés qui sacrifierait la société ouverte et les libertés et valeurs que nous, Américains, chérissons, a-t-il promis. Les grandes et fières nations ne se cachent pas derrière des murailles de suspicion et de défiance. »

Alors que le Nigeria a protesté contre le fait d’être rangé parmi les pays « préoccupants » pour le transport aérien, ce qui va valoir à tous ses ressortissants de subir – comme ceux de 13 autres pays – des fouilles corporelles systématiques, des associations islamo-américaines ont rapporté plusieurs cas où des passagères ont été aussi singularisées à cause de leur foulard.

M. Obama s’est adressé aux musulmans. Il leur a rappelé son discours du Caire, appelant à un « nouveau départ » sur la base du « respect mutuel ». Il a souligné qu’une « vaste majorité » des musulmans rejette Al-Qaida mais il s’est inquiété de ce que l’organisation djihadiste recrute désormais des individus isolés, notamment en Afrique, qu’il est plus difficile de repérer.

Le conseiller pour la lutte antiterroriste du président, John Brennan, a reconnu que le gouvernement avait été pris de court : le Yémen a été le théâtre de nombreux attentats anti-américains, mais c’est la première fois qu’une tentative contre le sol américain est organisée à partir de ce pays.

Le président américain a fixé des objectifs très précis pour chacun des services concernés et laissé entendre que les responsabilités étant désormais clairement définies, il ne sera plus possible à l’avenir de se défausser sur la bureaucratie. Sans se prononcer pour une refonte de la constellation du renseignement (16 agences), il a demandé un réexamen des listes de suspects. Il existe actuellement quatre listes, gérées par des agences différentes.

La liste TIDE (Terrorist Identities Datamart Environment) compte plus de 400 000 noms de personnes à risque. Elle est complétée par une Terrorist Screening Database qui recommande une fouille du passager; puis par une liste plus « sélective » et enfin la plus restrictive, la No Fly List pour les individus interdit de vols (environ 4000).

Le nom de Farouk Abdulmutallab figurait seulement sur la première liste. A la suite d’une erreur d’orthographe, le département d’Etat n’a pas réalisé qu’il avait un visa.

Le département de la sécurité intérieure devra installer des centaines de scanners d’imagerie corporelle (300 étaient déjà commandés) et convaincre le reste du monde d’adopter des mesures comparables et notamment la fouille systématique des ressortissants des 14 pays désignés.

La responsable de la sécurité intérieure, Janet Napolitano, a dépêché des fonctionnaires sur tous les continents. Elle a indiqué qu’elle rencontrerait ses partenaires européens prochainement à Madrid.

Voir enfin:

Dave Barry’s year in review: 2009
Dave Barry
The Miami herald
Dec. 26, 2009
It was a year of Hope — at first in the sense of « I feel hopeful! » and later in the sense of « I hope this year ends soon! »

It was also a year of Change, especially in Washington, where the tired old hacks of yesteryear finally yielded the reins of power to a group of fresh, young, idealistic, new-idea outsiders such as Nancy Pelosi. As a result Washington, rejecting « business as usual, » finally stopped trying to solve every problem by throwing billions of taxpayer dollars at it and instead started trying to solve every problem by throwing trillions of taxpayer dollars at it.

To be sure, it was a year that saw plenty of bad news. But in almost every instance, there was offsetting good news:

BAD NEWS: The economy remained critically weak, with rising unemployment, a severely depressed real-estate market, the near-collapse of the domestic automobile industry and the steep decline of the dollar.

GOOD NEWS: Windows 7 sucked less than Vista.

BAD NEWS: The downward spiral of the newspaper industry continued, resulting in the firings of thousands of experienced reporters and an apparently permanent deterioration in the quality of American journalism.

GOOD NEWS: A lot more people were tweeting.

BAD NEWS: Ominous problems loomed abroad as — among other difficulties — the Afghanistan war went sour, and Iran threatened to plunge the Middle East and beyond into nuclear war.

GOOD NEWS: They finally got Roman Polanski.

In short, it was a year that we will be happy to put behind us. But before we do, let’s swallow our anti-nausea medication and take one last look back, starting with. . . .

JANUARY

. . . during which history is made in Washington, D.C., where a crowd estimated by the Congressional Estimating Office at 217 billion people gathers to watch Barack Obama be inaugurated as the first American president ever to come after George W. Bush. There is a minor glitch in the ceremony when Chief Justice John Roberts, attempting to administer the oath of office, becomes confused and instead reads the side-effect warnings for his decongestant pills, causing the new president to swear that he will consult his physician if he experiences a sudden loss of sensation in his feet. President Obama then delivers an upbeat inaugural address, ushering in a new era of cooperation, civility and bipartisanship in a galaxy far, far away. Here on Earth everything stays much the same.

The No. 1 item on the agenda is fixing the economy, so the new administration immediately sets about the daunting task of trying to nominate somebody — anybody — to a high-level government post who actually remembered to pay his or her taxes. Among those who forgot this pesky chore is Obama’s nominee for Treasury secretary, Timothy Geithner, who sheepishly admits that he failed to pay $35,000 in federal self-employment taxes. He says that the error was a result of his using TurboTax, which he also blames for his involvement in an eight-state spree of bank robberies. He is confirmed after the Obama administration explains that it inherited the U.S. Tax Code from the Bush administration.

Elsewhere in politics, a team of specially trained wildlife agents equipped with nets and tranquilizer darts manages, after a six-hour struggle, to remove Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich from office. He is transported to an undisclosed swamp, where he is released into the wild and quickly bonds with the native ferret population.

On a more upbeat note, the nation finds a new hero in US Airways Capt. Chesley Sullenberger, who, in an astonishing feat of aviation, manages to land a US Airways flight safely in the Hudson River after it loses power shortly after takeoff from LaGuardia. Incredibly, all 155 people on board survive, although they are immediately taken hostage by Somali pirates.

In entertainment news, an unemployed California mother of six uses in-vitro fertilization to give birth to eight more children, an achievement that immediately catapults her to a celebrity status equivalent to that of a minor Kardashian sister. But even this joyous event is not enough to cheer up a nation worried about the worsening economy, which becomes so badin . . .

FEBRUARY

. . . that Congress passes, without reading it, and without actually finishing writing it, a stimulus package totaling $787 billion. The money is immediately turned over to American taxpayers so they can use it to stimulate the economy.

No! What a crazy idea THAT would be! The money is to be doled out over the next decade or so by members of Congress on projects deemed vital by members of Congress, such as constructing buildings that will be named after members of Congress. This will stimulate the economy by creating millions of jobs, according to estimates provided by the Congressional Estimating Office’s Magical Estimating 8-Ball.

Despite this heroic effort, the economy continues to stumble. General Motors, which has sold only one car in the past year — a Buick LaCrosse mistakenly purchased by an 87-year-old man who thought he was buying a power scooter — announces a new four-part business plan, consisting of (1) dealership closings; (2) factory shutdowns;(3) worker layoffs; and (4) traveling backward through time to 1955.

The stock market hits its lowest level since 1997; this is hailed as a great investment opportunity by all the financial wizards who failed to let us know last year that the market was going to tank. California goes bankrupt and is forced to raise $800 million by pawning Angelina Jolie.

The Obama administration’s confirmation woes continue as Tom Daschle is forced to withdraw as nominee for secretary of Health and Human Services following the disclosure that he, too, failed to pay all of his federal taxes. He blames this oversight on the fact that his tax returns were prepared by Treasury Secretary Geithner.

The Academy Awards are a triumph for Slumdog Millionaire, which wins eight Oscars, only to have them stolen by Somali pirates.

In sports, the Pittsburgh Steelers win the Super Bowl, defeating some team in a game that we have all completely forgotten. Michael Phelps is suspended from competitive swimming following publication of a photograph clearly showing that he has gills. Baseball star Alex Rodriguez admits that from 2001 through 2003 he used steroids, which he claims he got from Treasury Secretary Geithner.

And speaking of shocking disclosures, in . . .

MARCH

. . . an angry nation learns that the giant insurance company AIG, which received $170 billion in taxpayer bailouts and posted a $61 billion loss, is paying executive bonuses totaling hundreds of millions of dollars. This news shocks and outrages President Obama and members of Congress, who happen to be the very people who passed the legislation that authorized both the bailouts and the bonuses, but of course they did that during a crisis and thus had no time to find out what the hell they were voting for.

To correct this situation, some congresspersons propose a 90 percent tax on the bonuses, followed by beheadings, followed by the passage of tough new financial legislation that nobody in Congress will read or understand.

In other economic news, the CEO of GM resigns under pressure from the White House, which notes that it inherited the automobile crisis from the Bush administration. GM is now essentially a subsidiary of the federal government, which promises to use its legendary business and marketing savvy to get the crippled auto giant back on its feet, starting with an exciting new lineup of cars such as the Chevrolet Consensus, a « green » car featuring a compressed-soybean chassis, the world’s first engine powered entirely by dew, and a 14,500-page owner’s manual, accompanied by nearly 6,000 pages of amendments.

Businessman Bernard Madoff pleads guilty to bilking investors out of $65 billion in a Ponzi scheme, forcing the Obama administration to withdraw his nomination for secretary of commerce.

The annual observance of Earth Hour is observed with one hour of symbolic energy conservation as hundreds of millions of non-essential lights and appliances are turned off. And that’s just in Al Gore’s house.

In sports and entertainment news, former NFL great Lawrence Taylor, appearing on Dancing With the Stars, accidentally rips off his partner’s arms during the cha-cha competition. The judges award Taylor 453 points out of a possible 30, citing his « energy » and « proximity. »

Abroad, North Korea, in what many observers view as a deliberate act of provocation, calls Domino’s and, posing as the United States, orders 23 million pizzas delivered to Japan.

International problems continue to dominate in . . .

APRIL

. . . as leaders of the world’s powers, looking for a way out of the worsening world economic crisis, gather in London for the G-20 summit, which ends abruptly in a violent argument over the bill for the welcoming dinner. A short while later, in what many economists see as a troubling development, the International Monetary Fund moves into a refrigerator carton.

In other international bad news, North Korea launches a test missile that experts say is capable of hitting Hawaii, based on the fact that it actually hits Hawaii. The United States swiftly pledges to issue a strongly worded condemnation containing « even stronger words than last time. »

On the domestic front, the struggling Chrysler Corp. declares bankruptcy, but its CEO confidently predicts that the company will come back « bigger, better and stronger than ever » thanks to its 2010 product line, spearheaded by the all-new Dodge Despair.

The big health story in April is the rapid spread of swine flu, a dangerous new virus strain developed by the makers of Purell. Public anxiety over the flu increases when Vice President Joe Biden, demonstrating his gift for emitting statements, declares on the Today show that he would not recommend traveling by commercial airplane or subway. A short while later, White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs assures reporters that he is « not aware of any `Vice President Joe Biden.’  »

In another embarrassment for the White House, New York is temporarily thrown into a panic when Air Force One flies low over Manhattan for a publicity photo shoot. Responding to widespread criticism, Gibbs notes that President Obama inherited Air Force One from the Bush administration.

On a more positive note, an American ship captain is dramatically rescued from Somali pirates by a team of Navy SEAL sharpshooters, who are immediately hired by Dancing With the Stars to assist with the judging of Lawrence Taylor.

Speaking of drama, in . . .

MAY

. . . the finale of American Idol produces a shocking outcome that sends shock waves of shock reverberating around the planet when the winner turns out to be — incredibly — that guy singer, whatshisname, despite the fact that the overwhelming favorite was that OTHER guy singer. Congress vows to hold hearings after reports surface that, of the nearly 100 million votes, 73 million were phoned in by ACORN.

But the big political drama takes place in Washington, where David Souter announces that he is retiring from the Supreme Court because he is tired of getting noogies from Chief Justice Roberts. To replace Souter, President Obama nominates Sonia Sotomayor, setting off the traditional Washington performance of Konfirmation Kabuki, in which the Democrats portray the nominee as basically a cross between Abraham Lincoln and the Virgin Mary, and the Republicans portray her more as Ursula the Sea Witch with a law degree. Sotomayor will eventually be confirmed, but only after undergoing the traditional Senate Judiciary Committee hazing ritual, during which she must talk for four straight days without expressing an opinion.

In crippled U.S. auto giant news, General Motors announces a new business plan under which it will fire everybody but Howie Long, who will continue to make what GM calls « some of the most popular commercials on the market. » Meanwhile Chrysler, looking to the future, invests $114 million in an Amway distributorship.

On the international-tension front, a meeting of the United Nations Security Council to discuss possible sanctions against North Korea is forced to adjourn hastily when the council chamber is penetrated by a missile.

In sports, Helio Castroneves wins the Indianapolis 500, although his victory is somewhat tainted by the fact that all 32 of the other cars were hijacked by Somali pirates. Major League Baseball suspends Dodger slugger Manny Ramirez for 50 games after his urine sample explodes.

But all of these stories suddenly seem unimportant in . . .

JUNE

. . . when pop superstar Michael Jackson dies, setting off an orgy of frowny-face TV-newsperson fake somberness the likes of which has not been seen since the Princess Diana Grief-a-Palooza. At one point experts estimate that the major networks are using the word the word « icon » a combined total of 850 times per hour. Larry King devotes several weeks to in-depth coverage of this story, during which he conducts what is believed to be the first-ever in-casket interview; this triumph is marred only slightly by the fact that the venerable TV personality apparently believes he is talking to Bette Midler.

On the economic front, California is caught on videotape attempting to shoplift 17,000 taxpayers from Nevada. General Motors files for bankruptcy and announces a new sales strategy under which it will go around at night leaving cars in people’s driveways, then sprinting away.

In political news, the Minnesota Supreme Court, clearly exhausted by months of legal wrangling, declares Al Franken the winner of American Idol. Meanwhile the governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, goes missing for six days; his spokesperson tells the press that the governor is « hiking the Appalachian trail, » which turns out to be a slang term meaning « engaging in acts of an explicitly non-gubernatorial nature with a woman in Argentina. » The state legislature ultimately considers impeaching Sanford, but changes its mind upon discovering that the lieutenant governor, who got into office through some slick legal maneuvering when nobody was paying attention, is Eliot Spitzer.

Political news continues to dominate in . . .

JULY

. . . when Sarah Palin unexpectedly announces that she will not complete her term as elected governor of Alaska, explaining, in a prepared statement, that she has a hair appointment. Asked by reporters if she plans to seek the Republican presidential nomination, she replies, « You leave my personal life out of this. » Elsewhere in state politics, the FBI arrests pretty much every elected official in New Jersey on suspicion of being New Jersey elected officials.

On Independence Day the nation takes a welcome break from its worries to celebrate in traditional fashion with barbecues, parades and — as night falls — spectacular aerial North Korean missile detonations.

In government news, top Washington thinkers, looking for a way to goose the economy along, come up with the « Cash for Clunkers » program, under which the federal government provides a financial inducement for people to take functional cars, which are mostly American-made, to car dealers, who deliberately destroy these cars and sell the people new replacement cars, which are mostly foreign-made. This program, which was budgeted for $1 billion, ends up costing $3 billion and is halted after a month. The administration declares that it has been a huge success, which everybody understands to mean that it will never, ever be repeated. With this mission accomplished, the top Washington thinkers are free to train all of their brainpower on the nation’s health-care system.

President Obama becomes embroiled in controversy when, commenting on the arrest of Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. by Cambridge Police Sgt. James Crowley, he states that the police « acted stupidly. » This comment angers many in the law-enforcement community, as the president discovers the next day when his motorcade is cited for more than 3,000 moving violations. To resolve the situation, the president invites both Gates and Crowley to the White House for a « beer summit, » which is described later by White House spokesperson Gibbs as « very amicable » except for some « minor tasering. »

Speaking of conflict, in . . .

AUGUST

. . . President Obama, in the first serious test of his presidency, announces that he will send U.S. troops to rescue Democratic members of Congress pinned down in town hall meetings by constituents firing hostile questions concerning the administration’s health-care plan, which turns out not to be wildly popular outside of the immediate Capitol Hill area. The president dismisses concerns that his health-care agenda is in trouble, observing that « there’s something about August going into September where everybody in Washington gets all wee-weed up. » White House spokesperson Gibbs explains that the « vast majority » of the wee-wee was inherited from the Bush administration.

In foreign affairs, former president Bill Clinton goes to North Korea to secure the release of two detained American journalists who purely by coincidence happen to be women. Fidel Castro, after nearly a year out of the public eye, appears on the popular Cuban television show Bailando con Cadáveres (« Dancing With Corpses »).

California, in a move apparently intended to evade creditors, has its name legally changed to « South Oregon. »

In an alarming technological development, hackers shut down Twitter, leaving a desperate and suddenly vulnerable America with no way to find out what the Kardashian sisters are having for lunch. The Federal Emergency Management Agency urges the nation to « remain calm » and « use Facebook if you can. » Twitter service is eventually restored, but most of the estimated 875 million thoughts that went untweeted during the outage will never be recovered, making it the nation’s worst social-networking disaster ever.

Speaking of disruptions,in . . .

SEPTEMBER

. . . President Obama, speaking on health care before a joint session of Congress, is rudely interrupted by Kanye West, who grabs the microphone and declares that Beyoncé has a better health-care plan. No, wait, sorry: The president is rudely interrupted by Republican congressperson Joe Wilson, who shouts « You lie! » Wilson later apologizes for his breach of congressional etiquette, saying, « I should have just mooned him. »

With public support for the administration’s health-care plan continuing to slip, the president orders U.S. troops into Fox News, then goes on a media blitz, appearing, in a three-day span, on Meet the Press, Face the Nation, Meet the Nation, Face the Press, Press Your Face Against the Nation, Letterman, Leno, Judge Judy, Iron Chef and Dog the Bounty Hunter. The president also delivers a back-to-school speech to the nation’s students, telling them to work hard and get a good education. Fortunately, thanks to the vigilance of the talk-radio community, many parents realize that this is some kind of secret socialist code message and are able to prevent their children from being exposed to it.

In international news, Iran shocks the world by revealing the existence of a previously secret uranium enrichment facility. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad insists that the uranium will be used only for « parties. » United Nations nuclear inspectors note, however, that « Mahmoud Ahmadinejad » can be rearranged to spell « Had Jammed a Humanoid » and « Hounded a Jihad Mamma. »

On the international-finance front, leaders of the world’s economic powers gather for the G-20 summit meeting in Pittsburgh, where, in a rare display of unity, they vote unanimously to fire whoever is responsible for selecting their meeting sites.

Speaking of questionable site selection, in . . .

OCTOBER

. . . the International Olympic Committee meets in Copenhagen to choose whether Chicago, Rio de Janeiro, Tokyo or Madrid will host the 2016 summer games. Chicago is considered a strong candidate, but despite personal appeals for the city from President Obama, First Lady Michelle Obama, Mayor Richard Daley, Oprah Winfrey and the late Al Capone, the committee — in an unexpected decision — votes to hold the games in Pyongyang, North Korea. The head of the IOC insists that the decision was « made freely and without coercion, » adding, « for the love of God please abort the launch. »

On a happier note for the White House, President Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize, narrowly edging out Beyoncé.

In the Middle East, hopes for peace soar when Iran announces that it will allow U.N. inspectors to visit its nuclear-enrichment facility. Hopes plunge soon after when the inspectors report that they were taken to what appears to be a hastily abandoned kebab stand with a hand-painted sign that says « NUCLEAR ENRICHMENT, » as well as what the inspectors describe as « numerous health-code violations. »

In Afghanistan, U.N. investigators raise questions about the recent national election, noting that a third of the votes cast for President Hamid Karzai came from Palm Beach County.

On the celebrity front, a remorseful David Letterman confesses to his stunned audience that he has been hiking the Appalachian Trail with female staff members.

But the big story in October, the story that grips the nation the way a dog grips a rancid squirrel, is the mesmerizing drama of a silver balloon racing through the blue skies above central Colorado, desperately pursued by police, aviation and rescue personnel who have been led to believe that the balloon contains O.J. Simpson.

No, that would have been great, but the authorities in fact have been led to believe that the balloon contains 6-year-old Falcon Heene, the son of exactly the kind of parents you would expect to name a child « Falcon. » It quickly becomes clear that the boy is not in the balloon, and the whole thing is a hoax perpetrated by attention-seeking reality-show-wannabe idiots. In other words, nothing really happened, so naturally the media go into a weeklong Category 5 frenzy so intensive that Larry King is forced to temporarily interrupt his ongoing postmortem coverage of the Michael Jackson funeral.

Speaking of attention-seeking reality-show-wannabe idiots,in . . .

NOVEMBER

. . . a Washington couple, Tareq and Michaele Salahi, penetrate heavy security and enter the White House, a feat that Joe Biden has yet to manage. As details of the incident emerge, an embarrassed Secret Service is forced to admit that not only did the couple crash a state dinner, but they also met and shook hands with the president, and they « may have served briefly in the cabinet. »

In other White House news, the president, in a much-debated post-Thanksgiving decision, announces that he is sending U.S. troops into the electronics departments of 1,400 Best Buy stores to prevent Black Friday shoppers from killing each other over flat-screen TVs. Hours later the president withdraws the troops, calling the situation « hopeless. » Press Secretary Gibbs notes that the president inherited Black Friday from the Bush administration.

Attorney General Eric Holder announces that, to maintain the principle of due legal process, alleged Sept. 11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed will be tried in federal court in New York City, but as a precaution, « he will be executed first. »

In sports, the New York Yankees, after an eight-year drought, purchase the World Series. But the month’s big sports story involves Tiger Woods, who, plagued by tabloid reports that he has been hiking the Appalachian trail with a nightclub hostess, is injured in a bizarre late-night incident near his Florida home when his SUV is attacked by golf-club-wielding Somali pirates.

In science news:

• The Large Hadron Collider is restarted after a 14-month delay caused by squirrels stealing the particles.

• Elated NASA scientists announce that they have discovered ice on the moon, although their excitement fades when they calculate that getting it back to Earth will cost $185 million per cube.

• Researchers from MIT and Harvard announce that they have sequenced the genome of a horse. They are arrested when police discover that « sequencing the genome » is the scientific slang equivalent of « hiking the Appalachian trail. »

In a troubling economic development, the U.S. dollar, for the first time in history, falls below the lentil.

Speaking of troubling, in . . .

DECEMBER

. . . President Obama, after weeks of pondering what to do about the pesky war situation he inherited, announces a decision — widely viewed as a compromise — in which he will send 30,000 additional troops to Afghanistan, but will name their mission « Operation Gentle Butterfly. »

On the economic front, the nation’s unemployment rate remains stubbornly high as it becomes clear that the $787 billion stimulus package has created a total of only eight jobs, all in the field of highway-construction flagperson. Looking for solutions, the president hosts a White House « jobs summit » attended by political, business and labor leaders, as well as 23 Portuguese tourists who got lost while trying to visit the Washington Monument and somehow penetrated White House security. Meanwhile, in what is believed to be the largest Craigslist transaction ever, California sells San Diego to Mexico.

On the environmental front, Copenhagen hosts a massive international conference aimed at halting manmade global warming, attended by thousands of delegates who flew to Denmark on magical carbon-free unicorns.

In the Middle East, U.N. nuclear inspectors become suspicious when Iran attempts to ship to Israel, via UPS, a large crate labeled « HARMLESS ITEMS — DELIVER BEFORE TIMER REACHES 00:00. »

There are other troubling year-end developments:

• In a setback for U.S. interests in Central America, voters in Honduras elect, as their new president, Rod Blagojevich.

• The International Space Station is taken over by Somali pirates.

• In sports, roughly 40 percent of the U.S. bimbo population announces that it has at one time or another hiked the Appalachian Trail with Tiger Woods.

Also, as the year draws to a close, the Centers for Disease Control releases an urgent bulletin warning of a new, fast-spreading epidemic consisting of severe, and in some cases life-threatening, arm infections caused by « people constantly sneezing into their elbow pits. »

But despite all the gloomy news, the holiday season brings at least temporary relief to a troubled nation — especially the children, millions of whom go to sleep on Christmas Eve with visions of Santa in his reindeer-powered sleigh flying high overhead, spreading joy around the world.

With a North Korean missile flying right behind.

Try not to think about it. And happy New Year.

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